My mother loved me, I am sure...

My mother loved me, I am sure
Although, I wish I could remember past moments as a babe within the hold of my mother
Her smiles upon me
A fresh thing
Both my infancy and her smile
I wish I had memory for such a thing •

My mother is quiet, but her eyes speak volumes. She has many stories of a lifetime of pain that she has yet to tell me, but they are greatly evident in her eyes. I hope to one day hear them — this is how I feel in my adult years. However, as a child, I agonized over her silence. Her world existed in her mind, which I now realize I can empathize with. Her world did not exist in the flesh, which is where I was. And thus, there was this huge disconnect. I wanted so badly to have a present parent, while my mother was still grappling with the pains of her past — and so could not be at hand.

As a child, this was very painful to me. I would have four parents in my life. But they would all be at various distances from me, in mind and in flesh. And I was lonely. I cried a lot from the ages of 7 through 12, with no stable guardian by my side. I developed various phobias and complexes that I had to work through for years in adulthood.

And so, when I wrote this poem, I could only imagine in my mind's eye my mother's smile directed toward me, at me. I imagined that once was a thing I experienced, although preceding my memories. And I imagined how amazing it must have felt to feel a mother's love, which was scarce. This has not changed much in adulthood. I love my mother dearly, but she hides her smile from her eyes and her mouth.

I have had to experience a mother's love through giving abundantly what I had missed to my own child. I am generous in love as I have known its absence. I have known isolation and sadness. I have known constant loneliness even whilst in the presence of many others, and I wish none of this on my own child. Nevertheless, there are many years left to get to know my mother. I only hope that one day she lets me in. •

Poem from Acres of Shadow
© Aisha Tariqa Abdul Haqq Publishing
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