I have to continue on with the knowledge that I do not know all...

I have to continue on with the knowledge that I do not know all
But I do know something
I do know that with all of the difficulty amassed in singular moments
I can do this
I can be wide open to it all
Although it makes me want to scream
And want to keep screaming
And never stop
And never stop •

I wrote this poem a little over five years ago, and I was in such a bad place. Although I had lived the first 23 years of my life with unannounced and high-performing mental illness, it was not until a great tragedy occurred that the illnesses revealed themselves. At this time, like many Black people in the United States — and I am such in thousands of other communities across the globe — mental health was not taken seriously. We were always told to eat a healthy diet, get plenty of sunshine, and of course, pray. And while these folk remedies can be helpful and cathartic, they may not be sufficient in some circumstances. And so here I was, trying out every proposed solution rather than the one which is scientifically proved to work. Lord, I tried yoga, running, herbs, essential oils, crystals — I tried EVERYTHING. While avoiding professional mental health care out of shame — as the stigma against it says we are supposed to deal with the issues internally, or else we are weak. And this stigma was actively killing me as I teetered on the edge of suicidal ideation, just wanting so badly for the suffering to end.

And so, let me say. We are not weak for needing help. While we are capable of doing many things on our own, not every problem can be remedied solitarily; sometimes, it takes a team of knowledgeable professionals to heal what we do not understand. Just as one needs a surgeon for an internal issue, they may need another qualified professional for a mental one. No one would tell us to remove a bullet from our abdomen alone, using only herbs. And thus, we must not allow others to tell us to solve serious mental health issues using unproven, alternative means. Especially when it is serious, and our lives hang in the balance, we must not allow the stigma of others to shorten our own lives. •

Poem from Acres of Shadow
© Aisha Tariqa Abdul Haqq Publishing
Follow @AishaTariqa for more original poetry and merchandise •